Confessions

There are things that I want to write that I don’t.

There are times when a thought comes to my mind and I mull it over, flipping it this way and that, tearing it apart and think to myself,

“Self, that would be awesome.. but…”

And yes, I do actually call myself ‘self’ when I am talking to.. um..myself.

Myself (just had to do it one more time).

I had this conversation with my wife the other day after I had written a piece that was very intense, but included thoughts that would just not be acceptable by the group of people who I associate with. It was real, it was gritty, it was intense.

It was erased.

I felt.. I don’t know. I felt wrong? I guess that’s the word I should use. Like if I posted this piece people would judge me or look at me differently, or disassociate with me.. or associate my writing with a walking away from my beliefs.

I’m not.

Just so you know.

I still believe in Jesus. I still have faith in what He did for me on the cross, the tomb and the rest. I’m not angry at God, the church, or the people of the church, and I still go at least every Sunday.

But… therein lies the issue. I have been a volunteer youth minister for most of my adult life. I lead my current churches youth group for over 3 years. I have students who, I assume, still look up to me. But I want to be real in my writing.

For instance, right now, I am struggling with even posting this, so if you are reading this, well, I won.. lost.. or.. something.. that particular battle. Will it go to my Facebook, Twitter, or any of the other social media hubs that I post my work on? I don’t know. (FYI, I’m writing this at 3:08 on Friday, October 10th.. so… )

Am I wrong for having this desire for freedom in my expression? Am I wrong for not wanting to be the stumbling block that may cause some of my students to look at me (or God) different? Am I wrong for even thinking (or being arrogant enough to think) that I could cause that?

I’ve thought about creating a pen name. Well, actually, I should say I have thought about finally using the name I came up with years ago. I just don’t know if that is the answer or a cop-out.

Granted, I don’t even know if I am good enough to have to worry about that, cause who knows if anyone actually reads my stuff. (no, that’s not self-loathing or a call for comfort, just a reality check on my ego.. of sorts)

Maybe I just put too much pressure on myself… wouldn’t be the first time in my life I had an over inflated sense of self. I don’t think I do it on purpose, but it’s more out of a sense of responsibility… a responsibility that I take very seriously. At least, I think I do.

I know others have done it. Merged their faith with their writing, and have been successful at it. I just don’t know how to do it and remain true to me.. the writing.. the idea… something like that.

(the following part was added today 10/23)

I’ve had several days to stew over this, still not sure if I should post it. It’s pretty open about my struggles and, as I have said, I know people I know read this.. (I know, I know, too many knows…)… I’m a little more at rest inside myself these last few days, almost as if just admitting this has been cathartic (question, is that a combination of catholic and cardiac? Like the way I assume one would feel going into a confessional? anyway…)

In the end I think I have to just come to terms with It is going to be what it is going to be. And if I am happy with what it is, than that should be ok.

Now, anyone got any advice on how to be happy with my own writing?

Seriously? Anyone?

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