WARNING:
It's about to get real
(this one took me almost 4 days to write, and re-write, and finalize)
Anger. Rage. The unrelenting desire to destroy stuff.
Words that could be used to describe the green beast/hero known as The Hulk.
Truth is, I have a lot in common with that because...
I am angry.
Pure and simple, no beating around the bush,.
Just angry.
All the time.
The things that trigger my anger are things like when someone offends me or says something that is hurtful, I'm suppose to be the bigger person and just let it slide. Someone takes advantage of me and I'm suppose to just get over it,. Someone disrespects me and I am the one who is suppose to act like an adult. Someone fails to communicate with me or places unrealistic expectations and I'm the one who is wrong, so I am the one who has to apologize for my 'shortcomings'? Someone makes me feel rejected and I'm suppose to just stand there and take it?
What about me? Why am I the one who has to overlook the offense?
The part that sucks about it is that I feel wrong for being angry, which actually makes me angrier, because somewhere in my head I have a thought or belief that tells me I shouldn't allow things to get to me, or I should be better then that, or rise above the situation.
And when I do react, respond or riposte, I am the one who is wrong because 'Two wrongs don't make a right'...
So all I am left with is anger.
Most people who know me have no idea that on a daily basis I have this churning going on inside of me, that I have to fight my desire to react out of my anger. That I have seen what my released anger looks like and, well, I really don't like myself afterwards because my actions, even the justifiable ones, have consequences.
So, over the last 10 or so years, I have worked very hard to maintain this emotion. I find simple things to laugh about, hence my love for the stupidest of jokes. I find people I can enjoy being around, people who are childlike in personality, who can have fun. (Oddly, its a big reason I love youth ministry, teenagers, for all their problems, are pretty real, and I can deal with real.) I play my video games to give me something to focus my aggression towards and get fully involved in (anyone who has ever played any of those games with me know how vocal I get when I do certain things. Surprise! This is why).
No, I am not always successful, and it get's the better of me, but...
I have learned to keep my quiet, to find my center. Jesus has a lot to do with that. Prayer really does work when it comes to some of this. Helping my maintain my sense of purpose, my sense of duty, my sense of self.
But, just like Bruce Banner, I fight to keep myself in check, because I know what lies just beneath the surface..
because I can see him in the mirror
hidden behind my eyes
waiting for permission
to
SMASH.
p.s. I know someone is going to want to tell me that this anger isn't healthy, that I shouldn't stuff my emotions, or that I should just learn to let it go. Please, resist that urge, I don't stuff my emotions, I do let it go, and for as healthy as not having anger is, well to that I say.. then stop pissing me off.
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